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March 28, 2005
I don't know what to say
Bill's excellent handling of a very difficult situation here reminded me of a discussion we had at CastleCops several months ago.
The original discussion had wandered off course somewhat (mostly thanks to yours truly) and I had just shared the story of my father's suicide and its effects for the first time when a well-meaning (but sometimes tactless) guy piped up, "I know exactly how you feel..." and went on to describe a very painful situation that had happened to him.
Now you may think me cruel but I had to stop him. No, he doesn't know how I feel, nor do I know how he felt. They are very different, albeit equally tragic, situations and I would never for one minute suggest that I knew what he went through at the time or has been through since.
In fairness, this guy took my words on board and hopefully learned a little from the discussion.
I don't know whether Bill learned something from it. I suspect not, I suspect he already knew, he always seems to know the right words to say and that's exactly what he did this time.
First of all can I just say that I hope and trust things are going well with your treatment and whatever else you are going through. I am afraid I have no knowledge of what you are experiencing but its something I wish you well for!
It is so hard to find the right words in these situations and sometimes it's best to say so. There is nothing wrong with admitting to someone who's in pain that you don't have the answers but that you are there to listen. Better that than drolling out a string of inane cliches (usually rounded off with "At least he had a good innings.")
In the 19 years since my father died, I've never been able to talk about it. I don't mean talk in the sense of a deep, meaningful conversation. I mean simply that, when it's mentioned, I can actually see the other person taking a step away from a conversation they don't wish to have because they don't know how to handle it. Because they don't know what to say.
Let me tell you, you don't have to know "the right things to say". It's a conversation like any other. Listen, you may learn something; ask questions, you will understand more; say something if you have something to say; leave the cliches at the door.
Posted by lilliebet at 11:40 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
March 27, 2005
Mommy's Little Soldier
Last night my son was out playing snooker and having a jar or two with his mates, he's seventeen now and all grow'd up.
This morning it's Easter Sunday and he's up to his elbows in chocolate wondering where his boiled eggs and soldiers are. I love that!
They are fewer and further between these days but those moments when he is suddenly Mommy's little soldier again are golden and I wouldn't swap them for the world. I miss that little boy.
Posted by lilliebet at 10:41 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 25, 2005
Yesterday
OldGuy got me thinking. He's gathered together the links to things he's written so his kids can read them in the future. My kids already read mine on occasion but don't show a lot of interest but still, it's nice to keep things together. So I've copied my CastleCops journal entries from the few months running up to the birth of this blog and put them together in a Yesterday archive...
...after all, you never know...
Posted by lilliebet at 03:05 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
Skirting the issues
On my recent journey through Blogland, I've become aware of one thing that's missing from my own, honesty!
I never used to have this problem, I wrote or said what I thought and that was that. I'm not in the habit of slagging people off, I'm not deliberately indiscreet and my language is normally quite tame but lately I feel I've been restricted in what I can say, what feelings I can describe here for fear of upsetting someone else.
So much so that, a little while ago, I took to blogging in private just so I could get things off my chest. That defeats the object somewhat and it doesn't have the same purging power that blogging "al fresco" has. This self-moderation also takes a lot of the personality out of what's said, a lot of the honesty.
I said when we first started that we are not here to entertain others so much as ourselves and I think maybe I should apply the same logic now. It is my blog after all.
Posted by lilliebet at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
NukeWrap or Nukewrap, that is the question
As he ran out the door to work last night Mark said to me, "didn't Bill find a way to integrate his blog into his site, why don't you work on that?" This stumped me for a moment, why didn't I know that? I remember he did it with his CastleCops blog but why wasn't I aware of same with the new blog? Ah well.
So, never one to baulk at a challenge, off I went in search of NukeWrap. Found, downloaded and installed within minutes. What could be simpler?
When am I ever going to learn?
I read and read and re-read the install.txt file until my eyes were crossing. Plain English is obviously not this guy's area of expertise. The people who write these scripts are amazing, I bow down to them every day, they make all this possible for know-nothings like me but if only they would remember that's what we are and temper their terminology just a tad.
Half an hour in and I was starting to chew my hair but luckily a passing Norbie came to my aid (once again). BTW if anyone's looking for a nearly new, damsel in distress, 103 careful owners....
So it starts: do this, try that, tweak the other - nothing, nada, nix!
"So" says I to Norbie, "Who do we know who's good with Nuke?"
"ME!" replies the ever-patient Norbie
"Oops" is the loud reply.
"Right, let's start again... you say youve uploaded the folder?"
"Well yes"
"Where to?"
"Modules directory"
"So it should be in modules/NukeWrap/ yes?"
"Apart from the fact it says Nukewrap instead of NukeWrap, it's there"
"If you'd said that earlier.... one capital letter makes all the difference"
Oh bugger, will I ever learn? Hey, looks good though. Cheers Norbs :-)
Posted by lilliebet at 09:59 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
March 24, 2005
Drrrrrrrriiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggg!
You know how it goes, somewhere an alarm is ringing and your peace is shattered. You give up trying to sleep or read or watch TV and you wonder for the umpteenth time why people have them when the only response they provoke is your strangled screams as you try to drown out the noise with cushions...
... but wait, what's this? For the first time in my life I just witnessed a police car respond to the alarm over the road that has been sapping my sanity for the last half hour...
... and, yes, they have actually entered the house. Perhaps this once a real criminal is abroad, not just the toerag who wired the thing up badly in the first place...
... alarm's still going though, aarrgghh!!
Posted by lilliebet at 08:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Speaking in Tongues
I have a recurring dream. Well actually it's the theme that recurs, the dream differs. At some point in the dream (usually it's what wakes me up) I try to talk or even scream and I cannot make a sound. My mouth opens and my throat does all the things it would normally do but nothing emerges except a faint croak like a victim of severe laryngitis.
As I say, this usually wakes me and I know as I wake that I have actually been trying to speak or scream in my sleep but (and I imagine the neighbours are glad of this) I haven't been able to.
This has always fascinated me and I would dearly love to be able to watch myself have one of these dreams.
My kids both talk in their sleep. I was watching TV one night a few years ago, when I heard them talking and off I went to tell them to get back into bed. Only they were, they were both in their respective beds but both bedroom doors were open and they were having a conversation in their sleep. Neither was making any sense nor were the things they were saying connected but they were responding to each other. In their sleep, they knew someone was talking and they were answering but in two different conversations. Amazing!
Posted by lilliebet at 07:38 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 23, 2005
World Wide Weblogs
Today I took the blog tour I promised myself sometime back. Wow, there are more than a few out there! Some are pretty fascinating although the journalists and novelists who are doing it have a bit of a headstart on the rest of us. No fair!
There's a great collection to be found at Guardian Unlimited and you can even tell them about yours (no, I haven't.)
It seems folks will blog about just about anything.
Posted by lilliebet at 10:46 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
It's a bit Prawny?
So the new colour scheme, what do we think then? Be warned, OldGuy likes it and I take his opinion very seriously haha! My daughter's opinion was "it's a bit prawny", I don't take hers a bit seriously, grr!
I was trying blend it with the site theme and had trouble isolating the hex codes for the colours I wanted. Stumbled on the simplest solution and had to preserve it for posterity. Here it is The Joy of Hex
It's definitely growing on me :)
Posted by lilliebet at 07:10 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
March 22, 2005
Oh, I'm so ill!
My auntie bought me a wonderful book for Christmas, The Hypochondriac's Handbook by John Naish. It's full of fabulous fears, amazing ailments and stunning statistics that make you thankful for good health and a balanced mind.
What I didn't realise immediately is, all these weird and wonderful illnesses described are genuinely recognised. Here are just a few:-
Exploding Head Syndrome
Floating Kidney
Brain Fag
Who'd have thought?
Posted by lilliebet at 08:03 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
March 21, 2005
Tips & Tricks #1
Never hold an egg in your hand when trying to unwedge a pan from an over-filled cupboard. :S
Posted by lilliebet at 08:14 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
First Day of Spring
Today is officially the first day of spring although the sky is quite grey, you certainly can't tell by looking. The weather has been lovely over this weekend though. The first time going out without a coat is a momentous occasion every year and is always the hot topic of conversation. We Brits really are strange about the weather.
There are certain times I remember, particularly from my teens, that are fixed in my mind not so much by their relevance or importance but by the weather conditions at the time.
Like dancing one night, in the car park outside the pool hall in flip flops and hawaiian shirts with Shanta. The heavens had just opened after weeks of hot, hot sun and we must have looked like members of some primitive tribe giving thanks to our rain god. In a strange way, I suppose we were.
We had a hurricane here in 1987 (I don't think we've had one since). Most of the country were affected. Six of the mighty oak trees that give Seven Oaks in Kent it's name were ripped up by the roots after having stood there for hundreds of years. I was living in Birmingham at the time and I slept through the whole thing! I woke up in the morning to find my bed covered in leaves but that was it.
I remember taking my son, about four at the time, to the gardens near our home to play in the snow. It was the first time he'd seen snow. I had as much fun as he did and afterwards we sat steaming in a cafe warming ourselves with hot chocolate. One of those moments when it feels really good to be alive. Even now, whenever he goes to a cafe, he drinks hot chocolate - I wonder is it something rooted in the depths of his mind.
It's never hotter here than Australia; we never have more snow than Canada or more rain than India but I suppose it's those weird peaks and troughs in our normally dull, grey weather that make it so remarkable. Whatever it is, we Brits will always find reasons to talk about.
Posted by lilliebet at 07:22 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 20, 2005
What did you say?
If you hear the same thing said about you time and time again .....
...stop for a minute and think about it, you never know...
...it just might be true.
Posted by lilliebet at 02:07 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack
Promises, Promises
Why do people make promises they can't keep? So many times recently, I've been let down when a promise has gone unfulfilled and without good reason too.
In this country, Breach of Promise is an offence punishable by law. OK it doesn't cover promising to do the dishes or mow the lawn but it shows how seriously a promise was given and taken in days gone by and it remains on the statute books today.
Is it me? Am I expecting too much of people that I'm so disappointed when they don't keep their word? Maybe.
Posted by lilliebet at 07:11 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 15, 2005
If You Love Me....
.... if you want me to remain sane, content and at peace with my world.... if you really, really care .....
Please drop the words IRONING BOARD COVER, into every conversation we have until I remember to buy the damn thing!
Posted by lilliebet at 08:11 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
March 13, 2005
In With the Out and Old with the New
Yes I know that's not how it goes, it was something someone said once ..... well, I guess you had to be there!
Anyway, I've given Lilliebet dotcom a new coat of paint and I have to say, I really like it. Modern and modest, not too overstated - a bit like myself really. What?
I'm having a daily struggle with staying or going. Often I just want to walk away and let the weeds grow over it but then I get a sudden burst of "why the hell should I?" and I get all gung-ho again. Hence the new theme I suppose.
I really want to build on the content though. That's not easy for someone who has no hobbies (other than the site) and lives a pretty dull and ordinary life.
I was hoping to install a photo gallery. I have very few of my own, certainly none of me (phew!), but I love seeing everyone else's. Mark keeps me well supplied with views of India - debauched youth included. I may have a problem with uploading the software onto the server though, something to do with admin rights. I'll have to work on that one.
There's a suggestion box on the site but the only one I've had from my lot was "open a bar", so you can see what I'm struggling with :lol:
Ah well, keep thinking .....
Posted by lilliebet at 10:51 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
March 12, 2005
An eye-opener
You know those daft quizzes you find all over the iternet? I found this one today - What lies behind your eyes?
Well you have to have a go don't you, just for the daftness of it...
In your eyes, people can't seem to see anything because your eyes are covered up by tears! You are constantly hurt and depressed... No one seems to understand how you feel because everyone is scared to get close to you... You long to be able to reach out and tell someone everything, and all of your problems... But you have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to want to hear what you have to say. You've been hurt many times that you don't seem to have any tears left to shed, or if you do, they're an endless river flowing... You've started to hide and bottle up all or your problems and feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go away... You want company, but at the same time, you're scared of it. Your sanctuary is your room where you can just be alone and try to throw away all of your aching pains. You're dark and mysterious and people like you for that reason. Even if you think you're all by yourself in the dark, someone is always there with you. Your special someone wants to admit and show their feelings towards you, but they're afraid of how you'll take it. Get out more and enjoy life because, it is far too long to frown your way through
Hmmm!
Posted by lilliebet at 12:09 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
March 11, 2005
Death's Door
What is it with the common cold that it can floor me in minutes? I'm never ill, I've never had a serious illness or accident in my life. People everywhere are coping with all kinds of stuff, look at Pieter!
And here I am feeling like death warmed up just because of a few coughs and sneezes. What a weakling!
I'm going back to bed ....
Posted by lilliebet at 06:41 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
March 08, 2005
Allowing Comments
I figured this out for my own blog a little while back and it's working fine now but the problem still persists on CastleCops staff blogs and it can be soooo frustrating. At least we eventually found a workaround but even so, it would be nice to get it sorted ....
An MT blog forum at CCSP would have been an asset too but it doesn't look like that's going to happen either. The official MT forums seem pretty good but it's sometimes a case of "better the devil you know".
Posted by lilliebet at 07:06 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
March 07, 2005
Hey I did it.... I think....
I have to admit there was a fair bit of groping around in the dark and I had to pick a few knowledgable brains but I appear to have succeeded. Time will tell!
Setting up the hardware was pretty easy, it was the sharing files that caused the headache (which is pretty embarassing because we only just did that in college
Now, to add a printer ....
Posted by lilliebet at 08:01 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 06, 2005
Eurovision
No, it's not the "way forward" shared by the European Community as we march onward into the 21st Century in a spirit of love and partnership, it's a song contest... and gosh darn awful it is too!
Oh to live in the Antipodes (at least until it's over anyway!)
If you've never seen it - give thanks. If you have - our phonelines are open now .....
This morning the BBC, that most reverend institution, announced the news this nation has been awaiting with bated breath. Javine will sing the UK entry in this year's Eurovision Song Contest. She beat "glamour" model Jordan into second place aided, I'm convinced, by the fact that a certain part of her anatomy "fell out" of her already extremely revealing dress during her victory performance!
To be fair, Eurovision is must see television. The vote rigging is unmatched across the globe, no totalitarian regime could touch it with a barge-pole. Since the arrival of the Baltic states, the tactical voting has become more entertaining than the songs... and God bless Terry Wogan, his cynicism is beautiful, it brings a tear to the eye (of laughter that is.)
But joy of joys, this year we get a double dose. It seems the Danish Broadcasting Corporation came up with the idea of celebrating the 50th anniversary of the contest by staging the Battle of the Eurovision Greats. So thank you Denmark, it's not as if the Olsen Brothers weren't punishment enough!
Besides, we all know Waterloo is going to win it!
Posted by lilliebet at 08:36 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 04, 2005
Pieter's feeling better
Wasn't that a Beatles song???
Seriously though, it's good to see the crazy guy getting home and starting to recover. I always said men weren't tough enough to handle babies ;-)
Take care of yourself matey, we miss your madcap humour, long may it continue.
Posted by lilliebet at 09:25 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Irreconcilable Differences
ir·rec·on·cil·a·ble adj.
Impossible to reconcile: irreconcilable differences n.
1. A person, especially a member of a group, who will not compromise, adjust, or submit.
2. One of two or more conflicting ideas or beliefs that cannot be brought into harmony.
ir·rec'on·cil'a·bil'i·ty n. ir·rec'on·cil'a·bly adv.
You know, it's those times in a relationship when you hit a brick wall, when nothing you say or do makes any difference. The other person has made up their mind about you and they won't be swayed.
Part of me is very sad that someone who knows me can even think things like this about me. But the other part of me is thinking, hold on a minute, to be able to come to those conclusions about me; to be able to accuse me of those awful things: where is your head at? You have accused me of things I could never imagine myself saying or doing, so how can you imagine me saying or doing them? These thoughts were never even in my head, so why were they in yours?
If you allow anger to make your decisions for you; if you allow it to colour the view you have of your friends, your feelings for them, then you will only be able see bad in them. To see them as they truly are, you have to put aside your hurt and ask yourself why they were ever your friend to begin with. What is it about this person, this imperfect, fallable human being that attracted you in the first place? Is it still there or have they changed beyond all recognition? Or are you allowing your own pride, anger, jealousy, whatever it is to come between you?
If you still cannot see the beautiful person that they were, then walk away, it's gone. If you can though, if you can still recognise the person who first made you laugh; held your hand; trusted you; supported you; loved you; then you have work to do. Don't use the excuse that it's too hard, it's a lame excuse, nothing worth having is too hard and, besides, you're not scared of a little hard work are you? Don't use the excuse that it's too late either, it's never too late. There is always a way, if it's what you want.
You just have to ask yourself what you want!
Posted by lilliebet at 07:27 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Networking 101
I have no idea what that "101" thing means but it makes a good title. haha
So this is my next project. I bought my daughter her own computer for christmas but she needs internet access so that she can do, in five minutes, all those things that take me days and weeks to learn.
Yesterday I took delivery of a Linksys router and PCI adapter and, tomorrow, I'm going to try to (no, scratch that, I'm going to) create my very own network. I think two days to read the instructions should be just about enough ....
Posted by lilliebet at 07:09 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack