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March 28, 2005
I don't know what to say
Bill's excellent handling of a very difficult situation here reminded me of a discussion we had at CastleCops several months ago.
The original discussion had wandered off course somewhat (mostly thanks to yours truly) and I had just shared the story of my father's suicide and its effects for the first time when a well-meaning (but sometimes tactless) guy piped up, "I know exactly how you feel..." and went on to describe a very painful situation that had happened to him.
Now you may think me cruel but I had to stop him. No, he doesn't know how I feel, nor do I know how he felt. They are very different, albeit equally tragic, situations and I would never for one minute suggest that I knew what he went through at the time or has been through since.
In fairness, this guy took my words on board and hopefully learned a little from the discussion.
I don't know whether Bill learned something from it. I suspect not, I suspect he already knew, he always seems to know the right words to say and that's exactly what he did this time.
First of all can I just say that I hope and trust things are going well with your treatment and whatever else you are going through. I am afraid I have no knowledge of what you are experiencing but its something I wish you well for!
It is so hard to find the right words in these situations and sometimes it's best to say so. There is nothing wrong with admitting to someone who's in pain that you don't have the answers but that you are there to listen. Better that than drolling out a string of inane cliches (usually rounded off with "At least he had a good innings.")
In the 19 years since my father died, I've never been able to talk about it. I don't mean talk in the sense of a deep, meaningful conversation. I mean simply that, when it's mentioned, I can actually see the other person taking a step away from a conversation they don't wish to have because they don't know how to handle it. Because they don't know what to say.
Let me tell you, you don't have to know "the right things to say". It's a conversation like any other. Listen, you may learn something; ask questions, you will understand more; say something if you have something to say; leave the cliches at the door.
Posted by lilliebet at March 28, 2005 11:40 AM
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Comments
In this case I actually do know what you are saying and how you feel. My son had a friend in high school who never new his own dad because the guy ran off and left he and his mom when he was still a baby. His mom went from boy friend to boy friend and Mike was at our house a lot. He got fed when he was here. When my son and I went fishing he came along. When he got to thinking that he was a man and got a little too much to drink he knew that he could call me and that I would go pick him up and give him a bed with no repercussions. When he became a US Marine he came straight here in his dress uniform to show me. When he decided to marry he brought his fiance here to introduce us. He was like a second son, and wise beyond his years as a result of his own family situation.
One night I heard a knock at the door, went to answer it, and opened it to find Mike. He came in and his first words were, "You remember my wife, Sarah, she passed away this afternoon".
Yeah, all that I could do was to put my arms around this young man. I could not speak because we men won't talk when we are all choked up and crying. We just held on to each other for a while and I finally recovered enough to say that I could not even imagine how he must feel. He was here until 4 AM just letting the grief roll out of him.
Yes, there are times when we just don't know how it feels.
Posted by: Oldfrog ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.deckertechnology.net/lilliebet/nav-commenters.gif)
at March 29, 2005 04:31 AM
And those are the times when it's best to say nothing. Thank you.
Posted by: lilliebet at March 31, 2005 06:39 PM
Dear Liz
You'll probably want to zip this off quick smart to your old mate Bill, but have a think about whether you really want to do that first. It's been strange to think that complete strangers know so much about me through reading Bill's blog and articles, (the pointing finger one especially of July), and I feel kind of famous!
It was interesting to read your comments about the email Bill sent me. Unfortunately I never received the email until my daughter showed it to me last week. She tragically came across it as she explored her father's site. I'm sorry that you will only ever hear one side to the story, but I won't go there. It's just not worth the effort or energy to renew the past done deeds.
As you would know, it's hard being a solo Mum, but in the end the children have turned out fine, and I have a better relationship with them than many of my stayed-married friends have with their children. They also have a mutual respect for my partner, who has never been a step dad to them but only ever my partner. It's worked well.
During the time I was having my breast cancer treated, our relationship was cemented as a family, with all of us united in the grief, hope and common desire for a positive outcome. It was the final step really in being a family once again. It doesn't really matter so much now what happens as the children know that they have a good friend and care-giver in my partner.
Suffice to say, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and have come out fine as a solo Mum. It's not easy, and I wish you all the best in the years to come.
Just a thought to end, 'the language of the wisest men is silence'
Kind regards
Genny Long
Posted by: Genny at October 6, 2005 12:03 AM