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April 09, 2005
Happy New Year?
I've had nothing deep and meaningful to say for a long time now. No, that's not right. I've had a lot of deep and meaningful stuff to say but it's not all about me and I would have to tell half a tale in order to preserve the privacy of someone very important to me. So I've chittered and chatted about insignificant stuff; I've tried to bury my thoughts in the site and the blog; conversations with friends have been superficial and blase; all this in an attempt to cope with what really matters.
Day by day my life is changing and not for the better. I have no control over these changes, they're not of my doing and they're tearing me apart. The logical part of me knows there are ways to deal with change and there are steps I can take to make the transition easier but the heart of me, the part that doesn't want to let go, has been winning the battle up to now. I cannot let go.
Bill will have something insightful to say. He will tell me to live life as I want to live it or find my own path or some other wise words but, as much as I want to, I cannot see the path, I cannot find my own way. My heart is looking for the path back to a life where I was happy, where things were fine, where every day was a joy to wake up to. My heart won't listen to what my head is telling it.
I want to tell what brought me here, why I'm in this sad, awful place. I want to hear that "time is a great healer" and "there's always someone worse off than yourself." I want my friends to be able to tell me to buck up and get on with my life. Most of all, I want to buck up and get on with my life. But it's not easy and I'm not strong.
If I can't go back in time, can I please go forward? Can I please be transported to a time when this is over; when I'm no longer sad; when I can laugh again, real laughter, hahaha laughter. No, I don't suppose I can.
Posted by lilliebet at April 9, 2005 09:00 PM
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Comments
We don't know each other but I have been where you are now. Whatever 'it' is, probably won't go away or be resolved overnight, but chances are that you'll come through it stronger than when it began.
Posted by: Jeni at April 10, 2005 01:43 AM
Thankyou Jeni. In my sane moments I know what you say is right. Maybe I'm too anxious for that to happen and only making things worse, I don't know.
If someone could give me a guaranteed "when", at least I'd have something to work towards. Soon would be nice :)
Posted by: lilliebet ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.deckertechnology.net/lilliebet/nav-commenters.gif)
at April 10, 2005 01:50 AM
hey Liz..
theres always me yeah
:)
Posted by: king_mark at April 13, 2005 05:35 AM