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March 25, 2005
Yesterday
OldGuy got me thinking. He's gathered together the links to things he's written so his kids can read them in the future. My kids already read mine on occasion but don't show a lot of interest but still, it's nice to keep things together. So I've copied my CastleCops journal entries from the few months running up to the birth of this blog and put them together in a Yesterday archive...
...after all, you never know...
Posted by lilliebet at 03:05 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
December 05, 2004
You can trust me, honestly
Putting aside your family and yourself, who's the most trusted person in your life, the person you have the most faith in? Is it your doctor or your priest, more likely it's your partner or your best friend? Who would you trust with your innermost secrets? Do you even have enough belief in any one person to be able to share your deepest, most personal thoughts? You might be forgiven for thinking, this woman never shuts up about herself, how can she have any secrets? But I do, just like everyone else and sometimes we have a need to share, to unburden. We need a confidante.
By the time we get to our age (whatever that may be) we will all have gone through some or other difficulty in our relationships. We will have been let down, hurt or even heart broken by those we loved and trusted the most and this can have an erosive effect on our ability to believe. When a relationship breaks down completely, that's when our faith is most sorely challenged and sometimes the damage cannot be undone. And that's a very sad place to find oneself. That's the way I felt just over a year ago having just come out of a relationship that turned really bad in the end. I felt that I would never be able to trust another man as long as I lived but I'm amazed to say, with the support and confidence of someone I truly trust, I’ve been able to get past that feeling and now here I am, enjoying life, laughing and looking forward to every day.
It’s not an easy thing to do to put yourself out there even when it’s with someone very close to you. The other day I had a very intimate conversation with this guy and, as is usual for us, I did most of the talking. When I looked back on what I’d been revealing about myself, I suddenly felt very exposed and immediately began to regret some of the things I’d been saying. My faith in him wobbled for a few minutes, I have to admit it but our relationship has survived several trials over the last year, our faith in each other has been tested to the limit but we’ve come out the other side and I am confident that he will not let me down. I only had to remember that he has never disappointed me before to know I can trust him.
It’s also a huge responsibility to be a trusted friend or partner and not one to be taken lightly. We often make the mistake of assuming our trustworthiness is a given. When someone asks if they can trust us with something, we reply, “Of course you can, you know that.” Obviously they don’t, or they wouldn’t need to ask. So we need to build a place for them where they feel comfortable and safe. Somewhere they can express themselves honestly without fear. So how do we do that?
Firstly, by being truthful with ourselves. Can we promise our friends that we will not betray their trust? Secondly, by not judging them. If they feel the need to share their feelings with us, we must know we can support them whatever we hear. And, most importantly, by being open and transparent. If we can be open about ourselves to our partners and friends, they will feel comfortable with us and will be encouraged to reciprocate, from this mutual trust will be born. By being transparent, by showing our friends who we really are we will draw them to us. The more honesty we give, the more trust we will receive. The more trust we give, the more honesty we will receive. In recognising what it is that gives us confidence in our friends, we can endeavour to give back a little of what we have learned. It will be a very valuable and worthwhile experience, trust me.
Posted by lilliebet at 02:58 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 07, 2004
.... and another failure to communicate
lilliebet wrote: Obviously I'm gutted at losing his friendship but there's so much more that comes with him. Effectively now, I'm barred from his social circle, from the places he hangs out and they're a big part of my life. Now I face losing other friends because of my differences with him, is that really fair?
You see, there you are, another perfect example of the mouth working when the brain is still curled up under the quilt. What I've said here is totally unfair. I sound as though I'm blaming him for this but it's my inability to deal with a potentially uncomfortable situation that is giving me grief.
What I'm so badly trying to say is, some people touch our lives like tangents to a circle. The time they spend in our lives may leave no impression at all when they're gone. But there are those who cut deep and leave an everlasting impression. Sometimes they take a little piece of us with them when they go too, sometimes our lives will be changed by their passing.
For me, this is one of those times.
Posted by lilliebet at 07:32 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 06, 2004
Another lesson unlearned...
Is honesty really the best policy? Is it better to always say nothing rather than tackle issues? I come from a culture where I can be honest with my friends. I can tell them when they tick me off and they can return the compliment. We don't fall to pieces when this happens, we deal with the issues. If they can't be resolved then fair enough but at least we put a bit of effort in. Anything that matters in life is worth that extra effort.
Right now though, I've hit a stumbling block and it seems to be one person. Just when I thought we'd turned a corner, we'd had words without either of us walking away, it seems I said the wrong thing again and off he popped. As so often happens, I ended up losing my temper and now I've lost a friend too. I am totally flummoxed by this, once again. I just can't seem to see these trivial differences in the same serious light as he does.
Obviously I'm gutted at losing his friendship but there's so much more that comes with him. Effectively now, I'm barred from his social circle, from the places he hangs out and they're a big part of my life. Now I face losing other friends because of my differences with him, is that really fair?
You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now, this has happened too many times before. I've wondered about that, why I keep repeating the same mistakes and I realise it's because I don't see it as a mistake. Being open and honest is not a sin. I can adapt to some degree but I don't think I'll ever be in a place where I can bite my tongue for someone else's sake, if something needs to be said, it needs to be said and everyone involved needs to be able to deal with it. The strange thing is, he's pretty much like that himself, he just doesn't like to be on the receiving end.
So here I go again, from the highs of a few days ago to the lows of today. Just once I'd like to string together a few weeks of highs without a drama turning into a crisis.
Posted by lilliebet at 07:40 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 31, 2004
And this year's Booker prize goes to...
Isn't it weird the turns your life takes and the situations you suddenly find yourself in for no apparent reason? A friend of mine, who's read this journal, asked me to write an article the other day. He told me people want to read real stories like mine and, judging by the number of reads this journal gets, he may well be right. I have to admit I was quite flattered when he asked because he writes himself and is extremely good at it. Unfortunately, I'd had one or two glasses of wine too and the combination was enough to make me believe I could do it.
By the next morning I was already regretting my foolish bravado and ready to give up. It was at that point I realised I was trying too hard so I just relaxed and let flow as I do here. Just let it all come tumbling out. I was extremely nervous about the end result but, having gone that far, I went ahead and sent it to him. He told me it was great (well he had to didn't he?) and, fair enough, he put it up on his site.
Whether or not it is actually any good is immaterial. Now that I've stopped cringing with embarassment and I've read it in situ it looks exactly like what it is, the opinion of an ordinary bod about an ordinary life and I can live with that.
The great thing is that I did it. I'm absolutely chuffed with myself for not backing out on the challenge like I've done so many times in the past. It's another example of my ability to change, take on new ventures and succeed (up to a point). I doubt anyone will be queuing for my autograph at a book-signing anytime soon but everyone I talk to tomorrow will meet a new and improved Lillie with yet another string to her bow.
I owe a big thanks to my friend for the opportunity. Now, he's asked me for another so I'd better get to it
Posted by lilliebet at 02:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 27, 2004
My family and other animals
We buried my grandad today and it brought home to me the bizarre thing that a family is. Some thirty or so members of my family travelled to Wales today and so we met and talked, shared memories, laughed and cried together. I talked particularly to my cousin David, I haven't seen him for more than 20 years, when we were still kids.
Eventually we said our goodbyes, wished each other well and got back in our cars. Then, almost as one, we all headed East through the Mersey Tunnel back to our homes - in the same city. You see those 30 some people all live in suburbs of Liverpool, no more than 12 miles apart and yet most of us only ever meet on occasions like this, some we don't see for 20 years.
Now I'm sitting here contemplating this and every one of us has sworn today that we'll get together or keep in touch but we all know that won't happen. Tomorrow we'll go back to what we did yesterday and plod on exactly the same. Is it just us or are all families the same?
You know David works in a large bookshop in town, not 10 minutes walk from where I work. Maybe I'll take a wander up there next week, I could do with something to read.
Posted by lilliebet at 09:16 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 20, 2004
Useless...
I was too late. I'm still here, still useless, still impotent and I've lost a very special person. My grandad died at 5 o'clock this evening and his favourite grandaughter wasn't there to say goodbye. To those who sent me prayers, thoughts and love, thank you, I owe you so much. To those who kept me smiling, thank you too.
Posted by lilliebet at 09:48 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Taidy Bob
Suddenly all this seems trivial. I just had a call to tell me my Grandad has had a heart attack and is in a critical condition in hospital. He's a whole country away and I feel so helpless. I've just had to break the news to my kids and it breaks my heart that they are having to hug me and hold me and I can't be strong for them.
Right now I feel like a little girl again and I miss my Grandad, I want to be with him and make him feel safe but I'm not able to. Tomorrow I have to try to get to Wales to be with him. Suddenly life has turned a corner and everything has changed. I want to go back to yesterday.
Posted by lilliebet at 12:05 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 17, 2004
Oh no, here she goes again...
I recently came to a jaw-dropping realisation about a very close friend of mine (with a gentle nudge from a mutual friend of ours it has to be said.) The upshot is my feelings for this guy have changed and suddenly I became aware that I was falling in love with him. Now I'm a very passionate person, what I feel, I feel very strongly. Whether it's love or hate, it's powerful in me and it scares me to death sometimes. So my first reaction was to panic and try to run from the way I felt, this just made things 10 times worse but, thankfully, he's a very understanding guy and things got pretty much straightened out. Still though, the situation's far from normal and communication (or the lack of) has caused several flare-ups in the last few weeks. Now, me, I'm the type who, faced with a problem needs to deal with it. Talk it out, fight it out, cry it out, whatever. If it's broke - fix it, learn from it and move on. He's not like that, he retreats into his shell and refuses to budge while the situation degrades around him. There's no blame in that statement, by the way, we are all different animals after all.
To my mind the root cause of our problem is while he knows how I feel about him and says he's OK with it, I'm not convinced that he is. Now he tells me I'm wrong and I probably am (for probably read usually) but I'm a bit dense when it comes to reading other people sometimes. If you don't hit me over the head with a hammer, it doesn't sink in. I know he loves me as a friend, he uses the phrase "love ya" all the time but when things flare up and we come back to this whole business of who feels what about who, he then tries to tell me I know how he feels. Trust me, I don't! That tiny difference between "love ya" and "love you" speaks volumes to me (maybe it's a girl thing).
Anyway, the last few weeks have been wonderful and terrible as is probably evident from my previous ramblings. Currently, I'm back in the doghouse for..... well, actually, I'm not entirely sure what I did and I'd say he's pretty much given up on me. Cant blame the guy whatsoever, it just eats at me that I'm not allowed to say everything I feel needs saying. In fact, that's probably why I'm not sure what I did this time, I think he went into protection mode before he was actually attacked. Normally, in a situation like this, I throw my hands up and accept the blame immediately then torture myself with guilt for an eternity. I'm not going to do that this time because, quite honestly, there is no blame here - on either side. It's another case of a failure to communicate, another misunderstanding, life's like that.
Is there a moral to this tale? Yes, I'd say so, don't assume I know what you're thinking, any more than you know what I'm thinking. If you have something to say, say it. Whether it's good or bad for me to hear it, it needs to be said and it's part of the learning that will shape my life. I welcome even the bad things I have to hear in life because it feeds my need to understand.
Harddwch Dysg Doethineb - The Beauty of Learning is Knowledge
Posted by lilliebet at 12:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 16, 2004
To err is human, to tolerate isn't always possible
OK we're all human, yes? We can't like everyone, of course not! But did you ever meet someone who's so stuck up their own backside they make you scream? (Yes, I know I started a sentence with a conjuction but, tough!!)
So how do we deal with that? Am I being fair to myself by not addressing this with him/her? Am I being fair to them? Yes, I know this is my opinion and, it's just possible, I'm wrong but, in this case, I don't think so.
I know we all have our faults, there's plenty to dislike about me I'm afraid but there are certain traits that just don't sit well with anyone. Sycophancy springs to mind (I so hope I spelled that right). If I believed in God, I'd be praying for the serenity to deal with this in a professional manner. As I don't, I'm kind of venting it here.
Anyone reading this, forgive me, I'm not being a nice person here but sometimes we have to admit to our humanity. This is one of those times for me. I'm trying to deal with it!!
Posted by lilliebet at 11:39 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 02, 2004
A failure to communicate
Why do I continually fail to communicate? I have an excellent command of the English language, my grammar and diction are superb but for some reason I just can't get my message across to the people who matter.
Maybe I just have to accept that communication isn't my strong point and, no matter how strongly I feel about the subject, they're never going to see my point of view.
At what point do I give up and accept the situation? At what point do I concede?
Posted by lilliebet at 12:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 25, 2004
Winter drawers on
Buddy Holly wrote: The sun is out, the sky is grey....
Yeah well that's living in England for you Winter's on its way which means less time at the keyboard (no heating in this room), I really must find out how to switch my central heating on one of these days, after all I've only lived here 15 years
Posted by lilliebet at 09:20 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 20, 2004
Let's try that again shall we?
Good morning world! It's Monday morning, the start of a brand new week. Let's see if we can get through this one without causing too much damage.
I don't know about Hurricane Ivan but Hurricane Lilliebet sure did plenty. No wonder we Brits complain about the weather
Posted by lilliebet at 07:25 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 19, 2004
The perfect words
You can shed tears that he has gone
or you can smile because he has lived
You can close your eyes and pray he will come back
or you can open your eyes and see all he has left
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
or you can be full of the love that you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember him and only that he has gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on
You can close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on
....anon.
Thanks Bill, you always have the right words for every occasion....... and you're
Posted by lilliebet at 04:45 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 18, 2004
Lessons in Love
I've made some big mistakes this week and learned some valuable lessons. Lessons I'll remember and, hopefully, learn from. Hey isn't that what lessons are for?
Don't ever assume that you know what another person is thinking or feeling just because they appear to be cool and together.
Don't let your own insecurities affect your judgement of them, they will be how they will be, not how you expect them to be.
Be proactive, not reactive: if you think something is wrong work to fix it, don't just sit there complaining about it.
Never let communication fail, whether it's positive or negative, it's necessary.
....and, most importantly, learn to trust and be trustworthy.
Posted by lilliebet at 03:43 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 17, 2004
Words of Wisdom
People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable.
Be honest and transparent anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People who really want help may attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt.
Give the world your best anyway.
--Mother Teresa
Just thought this needed saving, it's amazing how true these words are to me today, in more ways than one.
Posted by lilliebet at 08:01 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack